bunnyhero's buddies

Didn't quite get to the housework or baking, but we're enjoying the pumpkin soup and I decided to do a sunset hike up to Pittock Mansion (please pronounce this "PITtuck"), via the wildwood trail in forest park, to see the crow that's up there, it was a good 6 mile hike due to me getting turned around a bit on the trails, whoops.

It was a nice distraction from the cramps. They're still there but I had other things to think about, like how not to slip in the mud in the dark while hiking down with my headlamp lol.

It's cold and wet but there was a break in the rain, hence the sudden impulse to hike. (In an urban setting because I'm still a bit nervous to go on the highway.)

This weather means that Avalanche comes inside for snuggles more often. It's so cute how she just wants to be inside with me, when I'm home, curled up nearby, this makes me very happy.

Had lots of veggies today, taking a break from the Halloween candy, still indulging in a little bit of popcorn, though. Feeling profoundly cozy rn. I think I'll curl up with Avi and watch a little youtube before bed.

( In a little bit TMI health news, )

still not in a place to read journals but I will, I will.

The return of the rain has been a bit overwhelming, today. I went for my usual sunrise walk and it was beautiful. A couple very light whispers of raindrops and a silky pink and pastel blue stripy sunrise, with some vivid pink later for just a moment (after the most intense hot pink sunset last night with the nearly-full-moon rise). It started to rain as I made a detour to search for a missing kitten that I saw a sign for. Who loses a 7 week old kitten on a busy street. Just before a cold heavy rain sets in. Heartbreaking.

Hot coffee under the gazebo with Avalanche, she is undeterred by the rain, though she is eating more and coming inside to warm up and nap between outside adventures. (She's out right now. Brave happy kitten. She's got the coat for it.) Her winter coat is coming in, she's not shedding at all.

Not sure if I mentioned that I finally put up a little bit of Halloween, it's gently festive, it's a hodgepodge of thrifted items and nothing matches or makes sense but it makes me happy anyway. Low impact decor is my jam.

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Josh was so spun out and upset about his shoulder this morning, he's been like this for days. It's been three weeks and he's getting exasperated at the lack of healing, but it's nerve damage and he's new to this, nerves take several months if not longer to mend.

I decided to gently distract and encourage him with silks. He resisted at first and looked so distraught, but I kept adjusting and finding more gentle things for him to try (he can pull but not push), so eventually he got warmed up and cheered up a little bit, and actually started to play and have fun. I joined in and also played and had fun, and did far more of a workout than I had intended.

We were both happy and smiling at the end of this gentle aerial workout session together, and I thanked him with tears in my eyes just for being in my life. I don't think I would have gotten up on silks and played if I didn't have him to tend to and encourage, and the fact that he was willing to try even though he was upset and nervous meant a lot. I'm so lucky to have him. He makes my life better in so many ways.

I have been tearful all day, at random happy things, and random sad things. I texted back and forth with Cynthia's best friend Cindy today for the first time, and I realized I am slowly falling in love with her, and I am so so so happy to have reached a new level of closeness with her. I noticed this at the pumpkin patch, when I had picked up on her being in a lot of pain, and also underdressed, which I tried to ease by giving her gloves and holding her gently and trying to encourage her to be easy on herself, and also to commiserate - it's nice to know I'm not the only 51 year old with lumbar spine bone spurs. She also has a rare form of cancer that is uncurable but manageable with drugs (weekly painful injections), and only one lung, which people forget because she behaves normally and is so careful not to draw attention to herself or try to fish for pity. These are serious and I try to remember and consider her weaknesses and defend her when her husband or friends try to push her if she starts to flag. She has a harder time just getting through each day than most people, and her friends forget. She makes it easy to forget, but I am making an effort to be considerate of her disabilities and I think she notices and appreciates it. We are different emotional creatures, but we are both depressed, and I think I can find a lot of comfort in both our similarities and our differences, if I just keep trying. If Cynthia loves her so much, I feel confident that she is worth loving.

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Finally roasting my giant kabocha squash that I want to make into soup. I can't remember what I wanted to do with this day originally, but after Josh and I got so drenched and chilled at the farmers market, I have pivoted to cooking and watching more spooky movies. I settled in with a space heater and a third viewing of Nightmare Before Christmas while Josh ran off to do errands, Avalanche joined me for this. My sweetest happy cat. Who just loves to be close by. She slept with us last night. I have been asking Josh to join me in bed more often and it's been really nice. There are times I really want to sleep alone, but it's gotten so cold, and I get lonely when I wake up at 2am.

He's off at the gym to lift and try out the sauna there. He went to a sauna with his friend last night and experienced a complete relief of his shoulder pain while in the heat, so now he's interested in more of that.

This is inspiring me to finally scrub out my bathtub so that I can have a proper bath, something I've not done since we moved into this house, 11 months ago.

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So, instead of trying to go out or do anything else athletic or cardio-based (I was considering going to the gym for the elliptical or bike or maybe a swim, but now I'm just too tired to even imagine doing that), I think I will try to make a giant batch of pumpkin ginger carrot soup, while also cutting up carrot sticks for Josh for the week (he likes to dip them in hummus), I am cooking a fancy piece of meat that's been in the freezer for months and needs to be enjoyed before it gets freezer burnt, also. If all goes well I may keep going and bake an apple/pear crisp and/or a pumpkin pie. I'd really like to make some cookies but maybe that can be later in the week.

I am a little woozy from too many Halloween candies, they are so so good but my waistline disagrees. I think also upping the estrogen is causing some weight gain and bloating, it's uncomfortable but I can manage, I will keep working at it and try to stay active during this wet rainy week, one way or another.

Sleepy Hollow is free on Josh's youtube account so I will put that on shortly. Drinking black chai in the crow cup Natasha bought me recently, I am so so sleepy and it's already after 4pm.

I wish mom could be here to enjoy this with me. I wish I could feel as if part of her is still here in some way, the way I sometimes feel with others who have died. I don't know.

Three big orders to box up before morning, I want to mail them before work tomorrow if I can.

Piano practice needs to happen at some point. I actually look forward to this. I'm so elated that after several failed attempts, I seem to have found a teacher and a system that will actually work for me.

I hope I can learn a christmas song or three over the next month or so, even if they are super simple. Piano songs don't have to be complicated to be pleasant.

Part of what inspired the piano was Andrea, at her memorial her partner talked about her "shredding" on the piano. Such a multitalented enchanted little angel wisp. I want her back.

I want Patty back.

I want my dad back. He would have been 84 this month. He would have made a sassy 84 year old, I imagine. All white and bushy and snarky, and grateful for every moment spent with his kids. My poor parents. They deserved gentler lives, with the support they needed. They deserved longer lives free of cancer and pain and so much sickness. So unfair. I don't know why I got spared their fate thus far. But I credit their efforts - they bent over backwards to make sure I felt loved, and to give me a chance to develop discipline and passion and creativity and self-improvement, in spite of all their struggles and lack of the same support they tried to hard to provide to me. They were imperfect but they tried so hard. That's what matters most.

I wish I didn't feel quite so sleepy! Glad I bought that happy lamp.

Time to check on the squash, it's starting to smell squashy :)

the only thing that is getting me through this moment is the singing of the redwinged blackbird somewhere not far from my bedroom window.

What a ridiculously beautiful day.

Work was utter delight. There was coffee and there were treats. Delightful conversation. And so many persimmons. I picked a grocery bag full on Thursday. I am giving them away by the handfuls, and eating as many as I share.

Also Halloween chocolate. Sinful indulgences this year include kitkat and 3 muskateers, I normally only buy organic fair trade chocolate, but the nostalgia and need for comfort outweighed my greater ethical concerns, this time. small sins. When was the last time i even tasted a 3 musketeers bar? They are HEAVEN omg. (only the "fun" size though.)

I do also have organic fair trade chocolate. And little trick-or-treat sized bags of lesser evil popcorn lol.

treats! happiness.

Cooked Josh his usual pot of rice and beans with assorted veggies and salsa and cheese on top, with fish filets in the cast iron.

Laundry needs attention but dishes are done.

Dinner was mung bean noodles with broccoli and tomato sauce, and a bowl of broccoli and cabbage sprouts with hemp seeds and olive oil. I ate my last two meatballs that I had cooked for Josh in an attempt to make myself reacclimate to eating meat, but I hated it and wish I'd just eaten tofu. I think I'd rather pay for B12 shots and eat tofu dogs. But, I tried. They were paleo bison (ground meat with organ meat included), I put onion and garlic and tomato sauce and a handfull of bread crumbs and fresh rosemary in the meatballs.

Bought myself n/a beer, new kitchen towels, some medicine cabinet supplies (athletic tape and dressing wrap, since we had none, new box of bandaids, and some cold and flu softgels, just in case, oh and fresh rubbing alcohol since the old one I have is way past its expiry date and didn't sting at all when I used it this morning, which maybe means my wounds are already closed but also maybe means it's evaporated too much to be of much use), they are still out of Bar Keeper's Friend erf, and two discount mum pots, yellow and purple. So pretty.

I am happy with my low-key Halloween decor, it's a little here and there, it feels like just enough, I didn't want to buy anything new this year, other than the paint by numbers kits. Which it still hasn't gotten rainy enough for.

I practiced piano tonight - skipped yesterday as I crashed super hard after work, but tonight I set aside half an hour and ended up going for over an hour, just playing around. Avalanche joined me! First time practicing and I already have a piano cat. I am beyond elated. It felt really nice. I looked up my old sheet music for a simple version of Away in a Manger that I used to play every Christmas, and remembered enough to be able to sus out the notes play the right hand of the first page. There is only one flat in the arrangement and my hand vaguely remembers where the b flat is in this piece. I also played the first three little mini practice songs my teacher gave me and worked on memorizing Firefly. These have about the same complexity as twinkle twinkle little star but it just feels nice to let my hands and mind work at the keys and get used to them in an easy gentle way. I appreciate the gentle easy introduction. Not everyone knows how to teach this way. Rian is a natural at it though. And seems to have such an easy way about him, it is not at all stressful to make mistakes. I will bring him persimmons next week.

Did I mention that I cleaned my bathroom sink and counter top for the first time in probably six months. I have been so embarrassed and annoyed at not being able to tackle this and I just randomly did it at some point this week, just started scrubbing and wiping. Everything is so nice now. I hope I can keep it this way. I realized I need a new way to take off and keep my face jewels, I used to have a little box for them but I don't have one right now, I'll have to figure something else out so I can keep the counter clear and easy to clean. I am so happy about this.

I have clean sheets.

It's getting down into the 30s tonight. The rain should show back up on Sunday. We are having the driest October on record since 1991. I remember that year. That was the last fall before I went back to school (mom home-schooled me from grades 5-10, I went back halfway through my junior year to have at least a little bit of a high school experience).

Tired and content and in the mood for a little bit of spooky comfort movie time before bed. We'll see if I find any tim burton something-or-other to fall asleep with.

Just finished the yummiest dinner of baked yukon potato with veggie chili and spinach and a little bit of parmesan sprinkled on top, sooooooooooo good.

started my period (I guess, I don't even know what to think of these random days of bleeding anymore, they are so sporadic and clearly not related to reproduction), which means I get to eat anything I want, and this is exactly what I wanted, when I wanted it.

Still feeling the effects of the B12. Even though I was wiped out after work today and crawled into bed and slept when I got home, around 4:30pm, I got up around 6:30 and played with Avalanche and tidied up the kitchen and went for a 20min sunset walk and made myself dinner - all things I would not have done a few days ago. A few days ago my brain fog would have been too murky to rally myself into eating anything healthy, I would have told myself it is too late to eat which means I would have starved myself and eventually binged on crackers. A week ago I would have only had the energy to feed Avalanche, peel off the rest of my work clothes, and crawl back into bed, without even bothering to brush my teeth or wash my face.

Now that I've eaten something substantial and healthy and it's not even quite 8pm yet, I might still have an hour or two of energy left to fold laundry or clean my bathtub or wash my face and put on some skin cream or find a new book (NPR mentioned that Noah Adams has a memoir about learning piano in his 50s that I am intrigued by, I'm almost finished with Up On Cove Mountain - why I'm reading all these books about old white guys is anybody's guess lol) or build a fall playlist or wash some dishes or any number of small chores that are not much but also not nothing. Neglecting these things has really been adding up and weighing on me.

I would loooooooooooove to get Halloween decorations up, maybe I can start with a few tonight, at least some light strings outside?

I would also loooooooooooooove to hike tomorrow at the coast (with a stop for mushroom hunting on the way and a dip of toes into the sand and water after) after a super early appt with my dermatologist in which I'm pretty sure she's going to scoop out some chunks of skin on my arm - I've had moles biopsied before and it's gnarly, it's going to leave wounds. But much better to be safe than sorry.

...

After that crazy experience with the B12 shot, I called my botox lady on a whim after Josh tried to tell me to go to a medspa up the street that does them for $40. My lady does them for $30, she used to be a naturopath so was able to confirm some of what I had read online about it.

What Dr Griffin said: B12 is notoriously difficult to test. So a lot of NDs will just give someone a shot as a test, because if someone is not deficient, the reaction is harmless and not noticeable at all. There are no side effects for having extra B12. BUT, when someone IS deficient, the reaction can be really dramatic and immediately noticeable. She suggests doing shots every week for a month or two and then slowly ratcheting down to monthly and then maybe every other month for maintenance. Dr Griffin doesn't do extra services beyond botox and fillers in general, but she has B12 partly because she saw how helpful it was in her practice and also because of her own personal experience with her own reaction to it. So, that was really comforting and reassuring.

I'm seeing her on Thursday so I'm hoping we'll have time to add it on to my usual treatment.

After that I might look into getting a home injection kit as it is a lot less expensive that way, I just want to make sure I source it well. Cynthia should be able to help me with that.

It's just really wild how much better I feel. I am still a bit tired and droopy today, and a tiny bit extra anxious and sad, but I think a lot of that is due to poor sleep from eating bar food with Karissa last night, and despite all that, my brain fog is still nonexistent. My mood is meh but not tanked. My energy is flagging but I am not crushed. I imagine the effects will slowly fizzle until I get back to baseline after a few more shots. It would be so crazy if I could feel that good all of the time. I really thought it was just perimenopause and aging that was causing all of that. It is only causing some.

I also have a lot of symptoms of low thyroid function so I really do need to go on the hunt for another naturopath. I need someone who will be competent about testing, who will help me with thyroid assessment, a calcium score, a dexa scan, and managing my ferretin issues, among other things.

It just makes me feel so frustrated and sad that maybe my mom could have also been helped by B12 for like, so much of her life. I dunno though, she never got tired like I was, and she loved her steaks. She ate eggs every morning. But also she was running on so much alcohol.

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It was nice catching up with Karissa, and being able to keep my eyes open past 7:30 while drinking n/a beer in a dive bar. (We were there until almost 10pm.) Friends are everything.

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It's amazing how easy it is to get home from work during rush hour on surface streets. I am so lucky this works well and I guess just not a lot of people are traveling the direction I'm going. I am back to driving freeways somewhat, but boy am I cautious and jumpy, just on the road in general.

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It was so sweet on Sunday, I was still flying high from the B12 and Josh and I had a nice gentle morning routine together and went to the farmers market and decided to go to Broder even though it was not a special occasion, it was just a gloriously beautiful day and I was so so happy, so we rode our bikes over there and took selfies with the troll and got seated at our favorite table with the otter and I gave our waiter persimmons from the tree by my work (Karissa and I also swapped persimmons for pineapple guava which is a new-to-me fruit!), and I was literally weeping with joy over how good the food was and how beautiful the day was and how happy I was. I think my body was just, so relieved to have that nutrient, and I was feeling the relief emotionally.

I was very very tempted to get a pumpkin cosmo that everyone was ordering, in part to make up for the lost pumpkin ale at the haunted corn maze, but a) I don't like vodka that much and b) they do now have evening cocktail hour at their Nord location (closer to my work but also closer to my friends) so instead of day drinking it might be nice to take a friend or three there some evening if I want to indulge in a small amount of alcohol.

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Feeling a little sleepy tired cozy, I think more out of habit than anything. It's also gotten chillier now that the sun is down.

This has been the sunniest most summery October I can ever remember. I wish it were easier to go back and look at past weather patterns, because I vaguely remember an October similar to this when I was a child, and being so deliriously happy over basically getting a second summer, and just being in awe of the beauty of the sun and golden leaves every single day for well over a month. Every warm sunny sparkly bright day with golden leaves falling everywhere feels like such an extra special gift. Like the way Avalanche lifts her face to the breeze with that dreamy half-closed eye blissed out expression. It feels like that, every day. It's getting chillier at night and the mornings are nippy but the days are still sunlit and sparkling. It's so fun. We are all rejoicing. It is a little weird to not have the dreary cold weather required for baking and simmering chili and soups and watching spooky movies and donning our coziest sweaters and hats, but we are not complaining. We'll have plenty of time for all that, when it gets here.

...

Super early dermatology appt in the morning. Maybe snuggling up with youtube for the rest of the night is okay. I'll finish the dishes at least, maybe make some tea :)

okay this is a little bit hyper but I was just sparkling at a fitness event and someone offered me a free B12 shot and I took it on a whim - it's not like me to let anyone poke me with anything without being forced, let alone a supplement, but, the last ND I tried took 5 vials of blood from me only to botch my test and give me zero results and I've literally never had my B12 tested.

Anyway, I FEEL INCREDIBLE. I have been fighting severe fatigue for a year and severely increased depressive symptoms for two years. Normally by 7pm I am barely able to stay awake, it's 9pm and I'm bouncing off the walls after working for four hours at a busy sparkling event. I feel HIGH. My brain works. This is wild. I just jogged up the stairs with zero pain in my legs for the first time since we bought this house, even though I did Dog Mt on Tuesday and a hard bike ride Thursday and then danced for four hours Thursday night and Josh and I hiked Bull Mountain this morning.

Since I'm basically veg, I'm wondering if this has been a bigger issue than I realized for a really long time. It would be super neat if this is a real doable long term health solution. I cannot believe how good I feel right now, I feel so awake and clear, like even my vision feels more clear. That all over body pain that I've been trying to just sleep away for months is seemingly not present? This is pretty trippy.

I do eat an egg every other day or so and I have half a cup or so of yogurt almost every morning, but I guess maybe that's not enough. I am vaguely remembering that when I was taking a liquid multivitamin that had B12 in it I did feel slightly better for a minute. I only took that for like, two weeks though. Because it was a little bit too sugary. Hmm. I know there is some reason that some bodies just can't absorb B12 through the digestive system well and shots work a lot better for them, I don't understand the mechanism but I'm wondering if this is part of what's going on with me.

Do healthy people feel this good all of the time? Can you imagine?!?!? lol

Josh is researching B12 shots now because he's so happy to see me energetic and joyful lol.

I'm really glad I took that random sparkle job and then didn't bail on them at the last minute like I wanted to. Everyone was so kind and interesting and fun to talk to and it was such a nice vibe. Something in my deeper instincts told me this would be a good opportunity for me, even though it's not at all part of my usual rotation or part of town. I am so grateful. I also met one of the owners of Gnome and Faerie, a new restaurant near where I used to sparkle in the SE part of town, that was a happy coincidence, he and I have been messaging and trying to get together for a while, so it was super lucky to make that connection. Tayler the GM offered me a free class at the gym anytime I want, too, pretty nifty. :)